I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
