i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
