I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
