Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
50% drunk capacity currently
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
