Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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