she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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