hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
