So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
