After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I looked at my own cervix.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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