I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
