I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
