Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
