i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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