You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
handjob tips. give me some.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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