I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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