life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
