The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
