hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
