You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
