Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
