WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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