VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
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