Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
My breasts were aching with rage.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
