my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
That reminds me...we need to get swords
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
