I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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