Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
