We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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