Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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