Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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