Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
