I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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