DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
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