Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
