she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
