I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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