when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
