awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
