my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
She bit a glass in half.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
