dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
sarcasm needs its own font
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize