I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
