he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
i think my cat just said my name.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
