I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
