my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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