Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Randomize
