hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
