i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
How does it feel to date your dad?
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
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