if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
