I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize