Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
She needs sedatives and a leash
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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