I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
