Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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