Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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