Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
