she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
