I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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