If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
