You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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