So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
