You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
