Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Randomize
