Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
