guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
