Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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